Wednesday, November 2, 2011

Here we go again

So I have been trying to write this since Sat but with the storm that came through it has been hard.  The power keeps going off and on and I lose our Internet connection constantly. So hopefully I can get it done today.  Saturday I had my initial ultrasound and I am currently on my oral medications and my injectable medication.  I conveniently forgot how much the injections burned!  So here we go again!  This will be our third and last chance at IVF.  The first time we only had one egg to put back in and it didn't take hold.  The second time we ended up with 3 eggs going in, one taking hold but then it miscarried. Hopefully third time's a charm!

When we first started this journey, I had no idea what a roller coaster ride it would be. I knew it would be hard mentally and physically but I had no idea just how hard it would be. Plus I really thought that we would be successful on our first try.  I mean I have no trouble getting pregnant, it's just the eggs pick a very bad location to set up their home.  I can't believe that I thought it would be easy.  And now here we are on our last try.  I have mixed emotions knowing that this is it.  I won't have to take dozens of pills every day or give myself painful injections. But if this doesn't work, we don't have another try. That's it. No more.  That is not the end of the story if that is what happens.  We will go towards adoption. We already have an agency picked out and have started the paper work.  We just aren't allowed to hand it in until all fertillity treatments are done.

The hardest part for me is the guilt.  What's the point of being a woman if I can't have kids? Now I am not saying every woman needs to have kids to be fulfilled. This is just how I feel.  But what's the point of having the equipment if I can't use it???????  Sometimes I feel as if I have failed as a woman . But not only that, I have failed as a wife and a mother.  I want my daughter to know the joys of having a sibling(oh I know it would be all rainbows and sunshine!).  I want my husband to have a son to teach how to be a man. I want all these things for them but I cannot give them.  I have these thoughts on my low days.  I quickly tell myself to be quiet and think about all the things I DO have.  I have so much!  I think about all the other people in my life and their hardships.  I can't imagine what it's like to have a child with cancer.  My family has their health.  I can't imagine what it's like to be a single mom. My family is united.  I can't imagine what it's like to have the whole house unemployed.  My husband and I both have jobs.

We all have hardships.  They are just all different.  I often get told how surprised people are by how open I am about everything.  This is my life. This is my story.  If by sharing my story one person get encouraged, then it's all worth it. I know that no matter what, I will get through this.  If this doesn't work, will I fall to my knees and cry? Oh yes that will be me. But I as soon as I can see past my tears, I will get up and keep moving forward.  Nothing in life is easy and some things are worth fighting for.  Now, if these cycle works will I be singing and dancing? YES!

This is not the path that I wanted to take.  This is the path that God has put me on.  I know that where I am today is exactly where I am supossed to be.  And that is all that matters.  Saturday I go for my next ultrasound and that should tell us when they are going to harvest my eggs.  I don't know what the future holds but no matter what I will trust the only one who does know.

1 comment:

  1. You are very insightful. I will continue to pray for you.