Friday, November 11, 2011

Shoe Box Update

At the begining of the year I told you that I was going to do some shoe boxes for Samaritains Purse Operation Christmas Child. And by some, I meant 50. Now I know some of you thought I was crazy.  I could see it in your eyes when I told you why I was doing 50. But that didn't stop me.  And this is what my nursery looks like today.

I have 60 boxes packed and labeled ready to be dropped off next week.  I can't believe I did it. And to be honest with you, I have no idea how I did it.  How did I get enough stuff to fill 60 boxes?!?!?!?! And you know the truely amazing part? I had stuff left over!!!! I went through all the boxes a second time stuffing in as much as I could.  How did I end up with extra things?!?!?!?!?!  Everytime I look at all those boxes, I wonder how it all came together.  I have been so blessed by doing this. I have learned a very valuable lesson.  If God tells you to do something, He will not let you fail. I wish I could be sitting across from you right now because I don't want you to miss the point I am trying to make.  I love my job but I will never be rich doing it.  And considering everything else that is going on in my life, I have no extra money.  I barely have the money I need to pay my bills.  So how did I pay for all the stuff that is in the shoe boxes?!?!?!?! God took care on me.  He told me to do something and I obeyed.  He took care of the rest. I pray that you are getting this.  God will take care of everything if you just trust Him and follow Him.  Looking at those shoe boxes is a daily reminder that miracles can happen because to me the fact that I did so many shoe boxes is a miracle.  There is no way that I can explain how it all came together.

(Mat 19:26 RSV) But Jesus looked at them and said to them, "With men this is impossible, but with God all things are possible."

(James 2:18 But someone will say, “You have faith and I have works.” Show me your faith apart from your works, and I will show you my faith by my works.

It will be a little sad to see the boxes go.  It's a daily reminder that God is with me and that through Him I can do anything.  Plus it turned my sad empty nursery into my work space. By not having a child in the nursery I was able to impact the lives of 60 children!  God's perfect plan! 

And there is another amazing thing that has come out of this.( I know, there's more!) By asking for shoe boxes, I was able to share what the shoe boxes were for and many people decided to do there own shoe boxes as well! So who knows just how many shoe boxes were packed because of all this!  It is just so awesome how everything fell into place. I am blown away by how this has all turned out and I pray that you understand what I am saying and that you get it.

I have a big "THANK YOU" to all who helped me. This couldn't have been done without your help.  Some gave me shoe boxes, while others gave me some things to put in them or donated money towards the shipping cost. Thank you so much.  You didn't just help me fill a shoe box with things, you helped me fill the shoe boxes with love and hope. Thank you!

Ever hear that song "Trust and Obey"?  I think it goes well with this post so here it is.

When we walk with the Lord in the light of His Word,
What a glory He sheds on our way!
While we do His good will, He abides with us still,
And with all who will trust and obey.

Trust and obey, for there’s no other way
To be happy in Jesus, but to trust and obey.
Not a shadow can rise, not a cloud in the skies,
But His smile quickly drives it away;
Not a doubt or a fear, not a sigh or a tear,
Can abide while we trust and obey.

Not a burden we bear, not a sorrow we share,
But our toil He doth richly repay;
Not a grief or a loss, not a frown or a cross,
But is blessed if we trust and obey.

But we never can prove the delights of His love
Until all on the altar we lay;
For the favor He shows, for the joy He bestows,
Are for them who will trust and obey.

Then in fellowship sweet we will sit at His feet.
Or we’ll walk by His side in the way.
What He says we will do, where He sends we will go;
Never fear, only trust and obey.

Wednesday, November 2, 2011

Here we go again

So I have been trying to write this since Sat but with the storm that came through it has been hard.  The power keeps going off and on and I lose our Internet connection constantly. So hopefully I can get it done today.  Saturday I had my initial ultrasound and I am currently on my oral medications and my injectable medication.  I conveniently forgot how much the injections burned!  So here we go again!  This will be our third and last chance at IVF.  The first time we only had one egg to put back in and it didn't take hold.  The second time we ended up with 3 eggs going in, one taking hold but then it miscarried. Hopefully third time's a charm!

When we first started this journey, I had no idea what a roller coaster ride it would be. I knew it would be hard mentally and physically but I had no idea just how hard it would be. Plus I really thought that we would be successful on our first try.  I mean I have no trouble getting pregnant, it's just the eggs pick a very bad location to set up their home.  I can't believe that I thought it would be easy.  And now here we are on our last try.  I have mixed emotions knowing that this is it.  I won't have to take dozens of pills every day or give myself painful injections. But if this doesn't work, we don't have another try. That's it. No more.  That is not the end of the story if that is what happens.  We will go towards adoption. We already have an agency picked out and have started the paper work.  We just aren't allowed to hand it in until all fertillity treatments are done.

The hardest part for me is the guilt.  What's the point of being a woman if I can't have kids? Now I am not saying every woman needs to have kids to be fulfilled. This is just how I feel.  But what's the point of having the equipment if I can't use it???????  Sometimes I feel as if I have failed as a woman . But not only that, I have failed as a wife and a mother.  I want my daughter to know the joys of having a sibling(oh I know it would be all rainbows and sunshine!).  I want my husband to have a son to teach how to be a man. I want all these things for them but I cannot give them.  I have these thoughts on my low days.  I quickly tell myself to be quiet and think about all the things I DO have.  I have so much!  I think about all the other people in my life and their hardships.  I can't imagine what it's like to have a child with cancer.  My family has their health.  I can't imagine what it's like to be a single mom. My family is united.  I can't imagine what it's like to have the whole house unemployed.  My husband and I both have jobs.

We all have hardships.  They are just all different.  I often get told how surprised people are by how open I am about everything.  This is my life. This is my story.  If by sharing my story one person get encouraged, then it's all worth it. I know that no matter what, I will get through this.  If this doesn't work, will I fall to my knees and cry? Oh yes that will be me. But I as soon as I can see past my tears, I will get up and keep moving forward.  Nothing in life is easy and some things are worth fighting for.  Now, if these cycle works will I be singing and dancing? YES!

This is not the path that I wanted to take.  This is the path that God has put me on.  I know that where I am today is exactly where I am supossed to be.  And that is all that matters.  Saturday I go for my next ultrasound and that should tell us when they are going to harvest my eggs.  I don't know what the future holds but no matter what I will trust the only one who does know.