Saturday, July 23, 2011

What if your blessings come through raindrops

Yesterday, a former employee of where I work came in to visit everyone and she brought her 8 month old son with her. Everyone started talking about babies ands asking questions about what he was doing. I'm not sure why this affected me so much but it did. I couldn't stay in ICU where they were because I could feel the tears coming.  I went back into the wards and cried out to God. "Why does this have to hurt so much?"  "Why do some get it so easily and I have to work so hard"? " If a bigger family is not in Your plan then please let this not hurt so much"! "Please take this pain away!" I wanted to fall on my knees and cry but couldn't.  I can't start crying at work. As I was praying this song popped in my head.

Perfect timing. It was what I needed to pick myself up and get my work done.  It didn't take the pain away but it made it possible for me to keep going.  I'm not sure what the future holds.  But I do know that HE is listening even if it feels like He is not.  I have to remind myself that His plan is better than anything I could ever dream up.  I just have to wait to see how it all unfolds. The problem is that I HATE waiting!  I feel like I have waited long enough!  But why do I question God? Why do I feel like I am entitled to some answers?  God is eternal, infinite, omniscient, omnipresent, and omnipotent. Why should I (someone who is not eternal, infinite, omniscient, omnipresent, or omnipotent) expect to be able to fully understand God’s ways? I can't.

All of this has been a lesson in trust. Oh its so easy to trust when things are going great. but to trust when things are falling apart is hard.  Everyone has those moments where it seems really hard to trust God. Where you feel completely alone and abandoned, where it feels almost impossible that anything good could come from what you’re going through. Where “God has a plan” just rings hollow.

But the bottom line is that trust isn’t about feelings. It’s a choice. An act of will. It’s a decision to hold onto faith, even when everything around you seems to be falling apart. I believe that’s the kind of faith that God finds most pleasing, and rewards accordingly.  And this is what I have been learning.

This is the first song that came on when I turned my car on to leave work.

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